


Summer in the Snowstorm

by blackest_eyes



Category: 1917 (Movie 2019)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Based on Call Me By Your Name, Explicit Sexual Content, Joe is The Best, M/M, POV First Person, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Summer Romance, basically just blake's internal monologue, each chapter is inspired by a different quote from call me by your name, honestly can he marry me, the film 1917 upset me so much i just had to put my boys somewhere beautiful and happy, the ramblings of a teenage boy in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:21:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22484815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackest_eyes/pseuds/blackest_eyes
Summary: Looking back on it now, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it began. Loving him as much as I do now, it’s hard to imagine there was ever a time I didn’t love him, but at that moment when he stepped out of the cab - tall, blue eyes, sandy hair, blue shirt with the top buttons undone - I can’t say I noticed anything particularly special about him. I had no way of knowing how big a part of my life he would become, how integral to my own identity. He was no different to any other guest before him.
Relationships: Tom Blake/William Schofield
Comments: 23
Kudos: 70





	1. Fire and Ice

**Author's Note:**

> "There was something at once chilling and off-putting in the sudden distance that crept between us in the most unexpected moments."
> 
> \- Call me by your name, Andre Aciman

Looking back on it now, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it began. It’s been so many years that I can’t feign to recall every day of those glorious six weeks, as much as I wish I could, but some things remain as clear in my mind as if they had only happened yesterday, and those I will recount to you. Some are whole conversations, others just fleeting moments or a feeling that still echoes in my heart.

  
We returned to Italy in the summer of my eighteenth birthday like we had done every year since I was nine. Most things were the same as they always had been: the bright patchwork of coloured villas clambering up the cliffs of the Sorrentine coast, the pitchy whine of the cicadas, the medley of scents floating lazily on the sea breeze (citrus, blossom, seafood, salt…) our Mediterranean villa and the winding, gravel road that took us up to it, were all unchanged. The trees in our orchard were one year taller, I noted as I reached up to brush my fingers through the leaves. They were above my head now.

  
Will, however, was entirely new.

  
We took in a guest every summer; it was how we managed to afford the place. They were usually pleasant enough. Many of them returned either the following summer or again a few years later. Those who didn’t come back often sent postcards or letters and would always phone us at home in England, or here in Italy, on the occasion of someone’s birthday or a national holiday like Christmas. For the past three summers, we’d had George stay with us. He had become a firm family friend but this year work called him away for the summer, and so it happened that Will came to us in the early June of ’83.

  
I remember when he first arrived. We were all sitting around the wrought iron table outside the front of the villa, playing a game of cards, when the rumble of an approaching cab began to merge into the sounds of the countryside.

  
My mother looked up first. “That must be William.” She set her cards down on the table, revealing her hand and signalling that our game was finished. We walked out to the driveway to watch the cab pull in.

  
He stepped out, tall, blue eyes, sandy hair, blue shirt with the top buttons undone, and smiled as my mother greeted him with a warm hug.  
“William, you are very welcome.” She turned to us next. “May I introduce you to my husband Peter and my sons, Joe and Tom.”

  
He shook all of our hands in turn.

  
“Nice to meet you, and please, call me Will.”

  
He spoke with a London accent but it was a scholar’s voice, soft and precise, that stuck out amongst our informal cockney.

  
Loving him as much as I do now, it’s hard to imagine there was ever a time I didn’t love him, but at that moment I can’t say I noticed anything particularly special about him. I had no way of knowing how big a part of my life he would become, how integral to my own identity. He was no different to any other guest before him.

  
“Tom, would you show Will to his room please?”

  
I led Will through the great arched doorway of our white stone villa and into the sitting room, a few degrees cooler than outside, then up the twisting staircase onto the upstairs landing and, from there, pushed open the door to what was to be his bedroom.

  
“This is yours.” I gestured around as he set his bags down inside the door. “This door goes to the bathroom, my room is just the other side so we have to share. I’m used to knocking, don’t worry.” I joked. “You have a balcony too, it’s also connected to mine but you can let me know if you don’t want to be disturbed.”

  
Will nodded, looking around the room. “Thank you.”

  
There was an uncomfortable silence before I cleared my throat and made a move to leave. “I guess I’ll let you settle in then.”

  
He said nothing. I closed the door behind me.

  
He came down about half an hour later but spent his time talking to Joe. A couple of my Italian friends who I’d got to know over the years, Leo and Stefano, came by and stayed for dinner so I spent the majority of my time with them. The villa was always open when we came for the summer and people dropped in and out unannounced every day. Dinner was always a large affair, with enough food for ten prepared each night without question. More often than not we had multiple guests arrive to say hello and stay for dinner.

  
On his first night, Will sat at the other end of the table to me. If he was surprised at the extra additions to our party he didn’t let it show. He was attentive and polite to a fault. My brother quizzed him on a book he was writing while I entertained myself talking to Leo and Stefano. I suppose I found him rather boring.

  
Maybe it started when I showed him around for the first time. It was the morning after his arrival and I came downstairs later than everyone else. Breakfast had already been cleared away so I made myself some toast and slumped down into a chair at the table outside where my mum and Will still sat together.

  
“Will wants to take a walk around and get to know the area.” My mum informed me as she poured me a glass of orange juice. “Joe is studying but I thought maybe you’d show him around.” It wasn’t a question.

  
“Sure.” I replied with a mouthful of toast. I didn’t mind. It was warm and bright and I’ve never been one to say no to some company.

  
It was about midday when we set off. Will had already been on a tour of the property and was familiar with our orchard, gardens and pool, so I vouched that we head straight into the woods. I could show him the lake, I suggested, or if we had time maybe we could even walk into town. He said that sounded fine.

  
The sun was high in the sky but the forest shaded us from the worst of its glare. The leaves filtered the harsh white light of midday and redistributed it in little golden dapples and hazy streaks through the trees. I told Will everything I knew about the area. With anyone else, I wouldn’t have bothered but Will seemed like the type to be interested in its history, so I recounted what I’d learnt over the years from my father and Joe, mixed in with my own anecdotes and memories. I got a certain warm satisfaction from making him laugh. Eventually, though, I ran out of things to say. He made no attempt at conversation, so I asked him to tell me about his book again.

  
He laughed, at me this time.

  
“Do you find silence uncomfortable?”

  
“What?” I looked at him sideways. Was I getting on his nerves?

  
“You’re not interested in my book. If you want to talk for yourself, carry on, but don’t do it for my sake.”

  
I frowned, confused, and decided to continue walking in silence. I learnt in those next couple of minutes that I did, in fact, find silence uncomfortable.

  
“I rarely need an answer when I talk.” I glanced at him again, a little shyly, still unsure whether he’d meant to chide me or not.

  
His eyes twinkled when he looked back at me. “Understood.”

  
I grinned.

  
I can’t remember what I talked about, a whole load of nonsense probably, but we made it all the way down into town and back. I’d expected Will to zone out and ignore me, but every time I looked at him his eyes were already on me, intent and interested. I blushed despite myself.

  
That evening, he sat down next to me at dinner. We shared a small smile. I didn’t quite know what it meant, only how it made me feel. In that moment, I liked him very much.  
I was due to go out into town with a few friends that evening, to dance and catch up on what we’d all been up to since last summer. After dinner, I asked Will if he wanted to come too. He looked at me, blue eyes suddenly full of derision.

  
“Not today, thank you.”

  
He was always so polite. It irked me. His eyes said something different from his mouth. _You’re almost ten years younger than me. What makes you think I’d want to spend time with you and your friends?_ He had a PhD from Cambridge, I was just a boy who spoke too much. That was the first time I disliked him.

  
“No George this year?” Sofia asked me in Italian after kissing me on both cheeks later that evening. “Pity, he was so nice.” She linked her arm through mine and we followed everyone else into a little bar situated in one corner of the plaza in Vico Equense.

  
“It’s Will this time.” I told her, still a little sulky over his reaction to me prior in the day. I’d had nine summers to learn Italian and, while it wasn’t perfect, all the time I’d spent with Leo, Stefano, Sofia and, since two summers ago, Alessia had made me close to fluent.

  
“What’s he like? Is he attractive?”

  
I scoffed at her. “How am I supposed to know? Come meet him yourself.”

  
I supposed he was. He had a soft expression, a certain quietness in his blue eyes that reminded me of the pool on a still day, and a way of speaking without tension in his jaw or creases on his forehead. It occurred to me later that my reluctance to say so out loud was part of my changing feelings for him, that maybe I was afraid of the wrong word letting slip my secret.

  
I woke up with a pounding headache the next morning, the parting gift of a good night with friends. I’ve always found that the better time I have one day, the worse I’ll feel the next. Life likes to straighten us out this way. I dragged myself out of bed and downstairs, to the table outside where everyone sat having breakfast together. The bright morning sun made me squint and I groaned as I pulled out a chair to sit down.

  
Joe was delighted. “You look like shit.” He informed me gleefully.

  
“I feel like shit.”

“I suppose that’s your own fault.” Will raised an eyebrow in my direction.

  
“I suppose it is.” I snapped.

  
“Tom!” My mother was appalled.

  
Will said nothing but I could almost hear him smiling to himself.

  
I went and sat by the pool after breakfast, dipping my feet in the warm water and watching the ripples spread outwards, little threads of azure.

  
“Here.”

  
I looked up to see Will holding a cup of coffee out to me. A peace offering. I took it and smiled sheepishly. “Thank you.” I was suddenly embarrassed for the way I’d behaved: just like a child.

  
He sat down next to me and dangled his legs into the water as well. I watched our skin distort under the surface with a degree of amusement.  
“I’m having a slow day today – writer’s block.” He told me. “I was thinking of cycling out somewhere and thought I’d ask my guide if he knows any good spots.” He smiled at me with one corner of his mouth.

  
“I’m sure I can think of somewhere to show you.”

  
And just like that, the gap between us closed again. We cycled to a clifftop lookout and sat on a bench at the edge of the world. A sickening drop below us, the sea rolled over and lapped at the cliff. The Sorrentine peninsula stretched away either side of us, broken up by rolling hills and splattered here and there by different vibrant towns. I pointed out Vico Equense and Sorrento. Back at home that evening, Will took his seat next to me again. I tried to resist looking at him, wondering if he could feel the happiness radiating from me.

  
We started spending a little more time together each day from then on. We developed our own little routine. After breakfast, he would go and make two cups of coffee, one for each of us, and then sit in the shade of the cherry trees in the orchard, working on his book while I dozed or birdwatched beside him. I started to take an actual interest in his work and he, sensing this, became more open to discussing it with me. It was a work of non-fiction, an expansion on his PhD thesis. He was an archaeologist, a field I didn’t have the first clue about and I’m sure half the questions I asked were stupid but he was always patient and kind. After he’d worked for a few hours we went for a swim, often choosing to head down to the lake instead of use the pool. Sometimes we’d cycle into town in the afternoon and have an ice cream or find something new for Will in the bookshop.

  
Maybe it started on one such afternoon in his second week with us as we lay side by side on the bank of the lake, having decided to stop off here again on our way home from town. Will had bought an Italian novel to see if he could translate it. He already knew some Italian and was trying to improve it during his stay here.

  
“For the fun of it.” He’d said as he waved it under my nose.

  
“You’re so boring.”

  
“I know.” He winked at me and I had to turn away, feeling my face blushing red.

  
He held it open above our faces, reading aloud. His pronunciation was far better than mine, which never quite lost the English lilt. I’d always loved the sound of Italian when spoken properly. Alessia had a particularly beautiful voice, but I decided that I’d listen to Will over her any day. His voice was so soft and thoughtful, as if it gifted each word its meaning for the first time upon reading it aloud. I didn’t care for the story in particular but I would have listened to him read it a hundred times over.

  
“What’s this word?”

  
I followed his finger with my eyes as it traced the words on the page, stopping on one in particular.

  
“Hmm, I don’t know that one.” I confessed.

  
He clicked his tongue. “I need a proper Italian.”

  
“Why did you come to Italy, Will?”

  
He lowered the novel and lay it face down on his chest. “I wanted to come somewhere that I could just… be.” He answered. “I’m writing, or trying to, as you know. I thought it would help to come somewhere there’s nothing I have to do every day, no responsibilities. Somewhere beautiful.”

  
I smiled. I understood. That was why I loved being here. I could get up as late as I liked and spend the day doing whatever I wanted. My family didn’t create a full schedule or plan day trips, we were all just happy to be idle in the sun.

  
“And has it helped?”

  
“It has. I’ve never been happier.”

  
“Are you going to come back then?” I tried to stop my voice sounding too hopeful.

  
“We’ll see. I’d like to.”

  
“Where did you learn Italian?”

  
“Italy.” He laughed. “I’m an archaeologist, I’ve worked in quite a few countries.”

  
“Can you speak any other languages then?”

  
“Je parle un petit peu de Français… und ganz schlechtes Deutsch.”

  
“But you still live in London?”

  
“Yes.”

  
“Do you have a girlfriend back there or anything?”

  
He burst out laughing. “Tom, I feel like I’m being interviewed. You ask too many questions.”

  
“I have to ask them because you never do.” I huffed. Will had a way of getting people to open up and was attentive to all they said, no matter how boring, but I think it came from his own natural quietness that people were so happy to talk to him. I did the same thing, I remembered, on our first walk to town together because the silence had unnerved me. Most of the time people didn’t want solutions or advice anyway, they just wanted someone to listen to them. Will did that, but he never asked questions. About history or anything he could learn from, sure, but not about you.

  
“All the things worth knowing about someone can’t be put into a question.”

  
I turned my head to the side to look at him properly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  
He kept his eyes on the canopy of trees above our head, their leaves fluttering absently in the summer breeze. “If you want to know someone, I mean really know them, that’s not about what their favourite colour is or how many siblings they have. It’s about… seeing what excites them and what upsets them, about how they treat both those who order and those who serve them, about how they are when someone is in the room compared to after they’re gone. I reserve boring questions for boring people.” He finally met my gaze, his cool blue eyes serene and all-seeing. “I know all I need to know about you just by being here with you.”

  
I suddenly felt incredibly naked. I had to look away. It occurred to me that most of us are never truly seen throughout our lives. We can paint ourselves to be whoever we want when we speak to people. If someone asks you who you are, the answer you give could describe anyone. Maybe we find comfort in anonymity. That’s why people are always so concerned about fitting in and being part of a group, so afraid of having someone see them cry. To be so vulnerable with someone as I felt in that moment is something most of us don’t let ourselves experience in a lifetime. Perhaps I had already developed some feelings for him by this point, but it brought the way I looked at him to a whole other level.  
“Stop staring at me.” I whispered after what felt like an eternity but can’t have been more than half a minute or so. I sensed Will smile as he averted his gaze.

  
We fell into silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, not the kind of silence you needed to fill with idle chit chat. I realised for the first time that the better I came to know Will the more we were able to be quiet together. When he worked on his book in the mornings, we often spent quite some time not talking, just enjoying one another’s presence. Maybe the mark of two people who were truly compatible, truly content together, wasn’t what they had to talk about but whether or not they felt happy to just bask in the company of the other. I supposed that was why Will had found my babbling so amusing when we first began to spend time together.

  
“You never actually answered my question.” I reminded Will as we finally got up to head for home; grey clouds had rolled in from the sea and the sky was steadily closing in on us.

  
He looked over at me with a curious smile that I couldn’t quite read. “No, Tom. I don’t have a girlfriend.”

  
That night, we all watched a film together downstairs as the rain poured outside. I sat on a different sofa to Will, so I was opposite him. I wanted to watch him, see what made him laugh, what made him tear up, to start to understand him the same way I was now sure he understood me.

  
I think that conversation with him at the lake that afternoon was the surest point I could remember when I began to want him physically as well as emotionally. I wanted him to know the rest of me, the things he couldn’t find out by watching me day to day, and to feel him, to know him entirely.

  
I remember him sitting in the shade reading a book, maybe a few days later, and I was torn between not wanting to interrupt his reverie and the desire to be close to him. My wish for him was stronger.

  
“Imagine coming to a sunny country just to always sit in the shade.” I teased him as I sat down.

  
He chuckled and looked up from his book. “That’s because, unlike you, I don’t go brown in the sun.” He traced his fingers lightly over my forearm. “I just end up looking like a lobster.”

  
His touch meant nothing and yet, to me, it was everything. His hand stayed on my arm for a moment longer than it should and then pulled away. My arm suddenly felt strange without it, as if it had never been without his touch before. It was just the tiniest taste of how he could make me feel.

  
“You’re doing alright.” I reached out and tentatively pushed the sleeve of his shirt up his shoulder. “See? Darker than you were when you arrived.” I said softly, brushing my fingertips over the faint tan line. He watched me with a small smile, making no move to stop me, so I shifted closer to him, sitting with my arm lightly touching his, and rested my head on his shoulder. I just wanted any skin I could get without giving myself away.

  
“Keep reading.” I murmured, and he obliged without question, continuing that same Italian novel from the lake in his soft, beautiful voice.

  
It was after that day he began to ignore me and, just as I was sure I was falling in love with him, plunged me back into ice and darkness.


	2. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sight of him made me feel sick.
> 
> I made no move to break the silence that had fallen between us. I tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t care, didn’t care. If he was going to ignore me then I could just as easily ignore him too. As it turned out, even our silence did nothing to change my feelings for him. Though I didn’t approach or speak to him, I could never keep myself from watching him. I mapped out and memorised all that I could of him. I knew each furrow in his face when he concentrated, his thin smile when he was polite but not fully engaged, his full, warm smile when he really laughed, his frown when something bothered him. I knew his long fingers as they turned the next page of his manuscript, I knew the way his pink lips formed each word he spoke, I knew his cool blue eyes and the feel of his gaze on me when I wasn’t looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “What I would have settled for was not his friendship, not anything. Just to look up and find him there.”
> 
> \- Call Me By Your Name, André Aciman

The sight of him made me feel sick.

He sat at the other end of the table to me. After breakfast, he got up and gathered his things and would sit and work in the shade, no longer in the orchard but beneath another tree in the garden. He only made one cup of coffee; I was not welcome.

I made no move to break the silence that had fallen between us. I tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t care, didn’t care. If he was going to ignore me then I could just as easily ignore him too. As it turned out, even our silence did nothing to change my feelings for him. Though I didn’t approach or speak to him, I could never keep myself from watching him. I mapped out and memorised all that I could of him. I knew each furrow in his face when he concentrated, his thin smile when he was polite but not fully engaged, his full, warm smile when he really laughed, his frown when something bothered him. I knew his long fingers as they turned the next page of his manuscript, I knew the way his pink lips formed each word he spoke, I knew his cool blue eyes and the feel of his gaze on me when I wasn’t looking.

My friends started coming more frequently to the villa in the afternoons and I preoccupied myself with them: playing tennis, swimming, going into town or whatever else we felt like doing that day. Will was friendly to them but never took any particular interest in getting to know them. Sofia, on the other hand, took a fancy to Will, as we all knew she would, and preoccupied herself trying to earn his affection.

“Do you think he likes her?” Stefano asked sulkily one of these lazy afternoons as we lay out in the grass, drying in the sun after having gone for a swim.

Sofia sat beside Will maybe ten foot away, laughing at something or other he’d said. I looked over at them and tried to pretend it was the first time I’d done so in the past quarter of an hour.

“He doesn’t seem too fussed.” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant. I’d been watching Sofia flirt with him for the past three or four days and I wasn’t sure how much more of it I could take. The one thing keeping my jealousy at bay was the way he spoke to her. He was attentive, polite, always _polite._ He asked her questions about her, what she studied, about her siblings… his words, _boring questions for boring people_ echoed around my head. I allowed myself to hope.

Still, I wanted to know what I’d done wrong. It was chewing away at my insides slowly and surely. Every word that had passed between us, every interaction was turned over again and again in my mind and I came up with no explanation, other than he’d seen straight through me and was repulsed by what he found. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I was no longer sure what was worse: the thought of him leaving in a few weeks or the idea of having to face his silence every day. I wished him simultaneously to be right beside me and a whole world away.

Stefano plucked some grass out of the earth and let it fall like feathers through his fingers. “Why is it she runs after every man you have stay for the summer but won’t go on _one_ date with me?”

We all laughed.

“Maybe it’s because you’re not foreign.” Alessia suggested with a coy smile.

“I think Sofia has one type and that’s only men who aren’t interested in her.” I added, nudging Stefano in the side.

“Or ones who she knows she won’t have to see again after a few weeks.” Leo chimed in, grinning all over his face.

Sofia turned and scowled at us. We must have been speaking louder than we thought.

“Don’t worry!” I called to her playfully. “Will only understands _most_ of Italian.”

Her scowl deepened.

Will caught my gaze and we shared a smile. I knew he’d heard everything, too. He looked away again and resumed his conversation with Sofia, but it was the first little moment to pass between us for several days and I knew it had to mean something.

Alessia and Sofia called on me alone the following morning while I was practising a song on the mini grand piano in the downstairs lobby. I didn’t even notice them walk into the villa, too wrapped up in trying to get the hang of a difficult passage, so I jumped when I looked up to see both of them smiling at me from the other side of the instrument.

“Jesus! Way to give me a heart attack.” I grumbled.

Alessia smiled and leant forward over the piano. “It sounded good.” She said warmly.

I shrugged, somewhat embarrassed. “I slurred through the last bit.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you.” Sofia threw a sarcastic smile my way.

I rolled my eyes. They couldn’t be more different if they tried. Alessia was always heartfelt and softly spoken, with big doe eyes and a warm flush in her cheeks. Sofia was blunt, wry, with bright red lipstick and the ability to snap between flirty and sardonic so fast it made your head spin.

“We were wondering if you could help with some English work for school?” Sofia slid a few sheets of paper across the top of the piano towards me. “It’s supposed to be completed over the holidays.”

I picked up the top sheet and scanned the writing. It was a poem, hardly my area of expertise. The task was outlined on the other sheets underneath. I looked up at them dumbfounded. “I might speak English but that doesn’t mean I can analyse a text.” I huffed.

I wasn’t one to get high grades at school - that was something Joe was far better at. He always told me I could do better if I bothered to try, but truth be told I enjoyed school just to mess around and spend time with friends more than anything. I wasn’t interested in going to university. I liked music, I liked theatre, and I liked working with my hands. I wasn’t entirely sure yet what I wanted to do when I was older but it wasn’t an issue I wasted much time thinking about. I enjoyed being young and I figured if I carried on doing the things I liked then I’d find something I was really passionate about in time.

“Will’s better at that sort of thing.” I said after a moment. “He’ll be able to help you.” He might not have been talking to me, but I knew he’d agree to help without a second’s thought.

Sofia looked around, one eyebrow raised. “I don’t see him anywhere.”

I rolled my eyes and set off. I knew without having to think where he would be. I could picture him as we walked, leaning back against that tree behind the house, almost glowing in the morning, a few books and pages from his manuscript spread around him, a cup of coffee forgotten and still steaming by his right hand. He was just so when we entered the garden and I felt affection for him suddenly bubble up inside me. It gave me a sense of comfort to know that I could always find him when I wanted to, a familiar constant to each day.

“Do you like her?” Alessia asked me as we sat with him, waiting as he scanned over a passage from the text the girls had given him. Her voice was soft, her mouth close to my ear to make sure only I could hear what she said.

It occurred to me that I’d been staring. Sofia sat fairly close to Will and Alessia must have mistaken my gaze and assumed it was Sofia I was watching. The thought made me laugh.

She couldn’t be further from the truth. I’d just realised the answer to all the questions that had been jostling around in my head for the past five days or so. Will was a part of my routine now, whether we were on speaking terms or not. I knew now that I would love him whether he was here in my garden and I’d love him if he was home in England or anywhere else in the world, so I would rather have him here close to me. It occurred to me that it was secondary whether he and I were friends or lovers or enemies. I wouldn’t even care if he did want to be with Sofia, so long as I could wake up every day and find him here, for I knew the day would come that the sun would rise and he would be far away from me.

Of course, I didn’t say a word of it to Alessia. I just shook my head. “No.”

She smiled at me. _Okay. S_ he said with her eyes, and then moved closer and set her head down on my shoulder.

It lasted maybe a week, whatever that state between Will and I was, call it limbo, before my brother stepped in.

He knocked on my door when I was lying in bed one late morning, spread-eagled over my sheets and basking in the sunlight streaming through my French windows. I’d been out late again the night before and so slept in this morning. Even once I’d awoken, I felt groggy in the sunshine and decided to just stay in bed a while longer.

“Lazy fucker.” Joe shut my door behind him and then lay down on the bed beside me, silent at first.

I turned my head to the side and narrowed my eyes at him. “What is it?” I asked suspiciously.

“Can’t I just want to spend time with my baby brother?” He grinned.

“Absolutely not.”

“Fine. Down to business it is.” Joe met my gaze, his eyes twinkling. “What happened between you and Will then? Was he a bad fuck?”

I spluttered, not quite ready to believe that I’d heard correctly. “ _What?_ No!”

“Were _you_ a bad fuck?” He asked, trying to keep his voice deadly serious despite the mischievous glint in his eyes.

My eyes must have been bulging out of my face. I stared at him, my mouth open. “You shit – we never… you know.” _I wish._

“I don’t care if you did.”

“We didn’t.” I said adamantly. “Nothing ever happened.”

“Okay, okay.” Joe still had an impish smirk. “What is it then? You don’t go from sitting so close at the table your arms may as well be glued together to not even speaking without something happening.”

I sighed. If only I could give him a clear answer. “I don’t know. It was one day to the next. I’ve been trying to think if I did something wrong but there’s just… nothing.” I hesitated. Joe had obviously guessed my secret and it didn’t seem to bother him, so I thought it was probably safe to continue. “I think he just realised how I feel and wasn’t happy about it.” I admitted quietly.

Joe rolled his eyes. “Oh you two are both fucking thick, aren’t you?”

I blinked, surprised. “Sorry?”

“Why are you avoiding him?”

“Because he’s avoiding me.”

“Wrong.” Joe answered smugly. “The normal reaction to someone suddenly avoiding you is to ask them about it. You’re avoiding him because you’re trying to pretend you don’t care. He’s avoiding you for the same reason. If you’d done something, or if he knew and was angry about it, then you’d know. There’d be confrontation. You’re both acting like people with something to hide.”

I pondered his words for a moment. I supposed it made sense in some backwards way. I thought back to my reaction when Sofia had asked me if Will was attractive. If I hadn’t been covering something up, it wouldn’t have been difficult to just say _yes._

“So what should I do? If you’re right, I mean.”

Joe smiled at me. “ _Tell him.”_ He said slowly, resolutely. “One of you has to break the cycle.”

I felt both nervous and hopeful, turning over in my mind every time I’d felt Will’s eyes on me, each little smile he sent my way even while we were in limbo. I hated how fickle I was. I’d only just decided that I didn’t care for his love, even his friendship, so long as he was here. One moment I loved him, the next I resented him, I was indifferent if he didn’t speak to me, I so longed for any interaction. Maybe it was all just part of being young, to be so volatile.

_What was I supposed to say?_

Joe left me alone with my thoughts, but he flashed me a knowing smile whenever our paths crossed. My resolve kept hardening only to dissolve in the next minute. I didn’t know how to dare bringing the subject up. How could I even get him alone?

We were sat around the dinner table later that same night, I was stealing glances at Will whenever I could. Our eyes met from time to time and then we both looked rapidly away. Joe smiled and tried to hide it behind his spoon.

It was just the five of us tonight, one of the rare occasions when we didn’t have visitors stay for dinner. I was supposed to be going out with my friends that evening, so we’d planned to meet in Vico Equense after supper. I took the opportunity to ask, while there were enough of us that he couldn’t refuse, but not too many that I’d have to extend the invitation.

“I was wondering, Will, if you want to visit Sorrento tomorrow?”

He looked at me with an expression of such shock it was as if I’d been invisible the whole time and suddenly materialised before his eyes. My parents seemed a little surprised but soon chimed in that it was such a wonderful idea, _of course_ Will should see Sorrento before he goes!

For a few painstaking moments I thought he’d find an excuse, tell me he had too much work to do tomorrow, but finally he smiled. “I’d like that.” Then it was my turn to look surprised.

“Great.”

I thought about nothing else the whole evening. Out in town, I hardly drank, didn’t pay much attention to my friends. Alessia hung onto my arm half the night, but I scarcely noticed she was there. My mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of tomorrow, of being alone with Will again and what I was going to tell him.

“You’re being terribly unsociable tonight.” Sofia scolded me as we sat together outside the bar, smoking in the muggy heat. “What are you thinking about?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” I grinned at her, trying to make light of it.

She rolled her eyes and blew a cloud of smoke in my direction, lazily tapping her cigarette off on the table. “Alessia likes you, you know.” She said languidly.

I sighed heavily. “I’m sorry to disappoint her.” I replied dryly, deciding it was probably better to be blunt and prevent Sofia trying to play matchmaker. I was fond of Alessia but I felt nothing romantic, nothing physical for her. Objectively, she was beautiful. She was kind and smart, but having all the building blocks that can make someone desirable doesn’t endear them to everyone. Sometimes it’s the things you can’t explain or put a finger on, something intangible that makes you really want a person.

I expected a slap on the wrist or some sort of snide remark in return but instead she said, in the same borderline disinterested tone, “She’ll live. When you come back next summer, she’ll have moved on.”

I cast her a curious glance. “Is that it?”

She laughed and flicked her cigarette onto the floor, stamping it out with her heel as she got to her feet. “Mio caro.” _My dear._ She took my arm and started leading me back into the bar, a knowing smile that did nothing to put me at ease playing across her painted lips. “I’m not stupid.”

We were back inside before I had a chance to ask what in the world she meant. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes I know I said this chapter would be more focused but, alas, here it is... a whole load of waffle.  
> I promise I'll get to the point eventually ;)  
> Thank you all so much for reading, the support is appreciated!!
> 
> Special thanks to my angel @goldpaint (go read his fics!!) for reading over this and helping me out <3


	3. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I supposed it was the most natural thing in the world to be like me: coveting what you are yet to become. Someone wiser, stronger, more experienced. It just made me wonder how he could desire me, after all he’d already seen and done. Surely the way of the world was to be always looking forward, not back. But then, maybe that was just it. Maybe he saw in me a time he craved but could never return to. To be young, directionless as I was, blissfully idle… the shortest and sweetest portion of our lives.
> 
> When we finally pulled apart, breathless, a small shiver passed through me. I knew as our eyes locked that we’d crossed a line we could never step back over. There would be no more avoidance, no more denial. After the first taste, we were done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Perhaps we were friends first and lovers second. But then perhaps this is what lovers are.”
> 
> \- Call Me By Your Name, André Aciman

I was usually pretty good at sleeping through the morning, even in a bright room, but that day I awoke as the sun rose.

Magnified by my French windows, the heat became stifling as the dawn light streamed into my room. I’d been talking about putting curtains on those windows for years by now but it never seemed to happen. I was on the second floor, looking out into miles and miles of countryside, with only my family and friends roaming the ground below the balcony. Privacy was hardly a primary concern.

I kicked off my covers, lying atop my sheets bathed in a pool of sunlight. Even in my underwear alone I was still uncomfortably warm. I tried turning on my side, back to the windows, to fall asleep again but it was to no avail. Maybe the fact I was increasingly nervous also had something to do with that. I hadn’t even got drunk last night, not wanting to be hungover for my day with Will.

The next time I rolled over I nearly jumped out of my skin upon seeing him there, standing on our shared balcony with his back to me and looking out over the country. Well, there was no way I’d be able to get back to sleep _now_.

I sighed and got out of bed, digging around in the pockets of the clothes I’d discarded on the floor the night before until I found a lighter and my cigarettes. Not bothering to dress – he’d seen me wandering around in swimming trunks enough times by now – I stepped out onto the balcony beside Will. A delicate breeze took the edge off the heat out there, making the warmth pleasant on my skin instead of stifling.

“You’re up early today.” He remarked after a moment of silence and for once I felt too shy to answer, after we’d been avoiding each other for so long.

I put a cigarette between my lips and lit it, doing my best to hold Will’s gaze. He was already dressed, in shorts and the same blue shirt he’d been wearing upon arrival, only that morning it was still fully unbuttoned and fluttering in the breeze.

“Where did you go when you came to Italy before?” I finally asked after a few, drawn out minutes, having never responded to his initial comment.

“Pompeii, Herculaneum, Tivoli… all the boring archaeological places.” He smiled at me and I had to look down again, tapping my cigarette on the railing and watching the ashes dance slowly over the edge of the balcony and towards the ground.

“Pompeii isn’t even that far from Sorrento.”

“Yeah I know, I just never got the chance to go I suppose.”

“But we’re still good to go today?” I asked, daring to look at him again.

Will nodded. “Of course.”

I’d half expected him to pull out, so was pleasantly surprised at his reaction. It just didn’t fit with how adamantly he’d been ignoring me. Nothing made sense.

“I’m going to get some breakfast. See you downstairs when you’re ready to go.” He ran his eyes over me with a dry smile that made me flush. I simply nodded in return.

It was late morning, maybe eleven or so, by the time Will and I got on our bikes to cycle down the hill to the little station in Vico Equense. It’s a ride that scarcely takes any pedalling; you can just let the slope do its work. Picking up speed down the twisting track, the wind rose to match our pace. I felt it lift the hair from my forehead and chase beneath my shirt, so in the end the cycling actually helped cool me more than make me sweat. Stopping our bikes at the station and feeling the still air hit me again made it suddenly feel suffocating.

“I’ll get them.” Will said, batting my hand away as I went to pull my wallet out from the rucksack I carried on my back, intending to pay for our train fare down to Sorrento.

“It’s not much.” I protested.

“Won’t break my bank then.” He replied, turning away from me and approaching the very bored looking man sitting in the stuffy ticket office. He spoke in smooth Italian, buying us two return tickets. I smiled fondly at his back.

We chained our bikes up and only had to wait for about ten minutes before the train pulled in, mostly empty. It would fill up with tourists as we moved further down the coast towards Sorrento.

“Aisle or window?” He asked me as we walked down the carriage and stopped at a pair of seats.

I scoffed at him as if to say _I’m not a child_ but he raised an eyebrow at me and I mumbled “Window.” before sitting down and sliding across to the window seat. He just laughed and sat beside me.

It only takes ten minutes on the train from Vico Equense to Sorrento, something that seemed to surprise Will as we arrived more quickly than he was expecting.

“Come on.” I grabbed his hand in my excitement, leading him out of the station as quickly as possible after we stepped off the train and navigating my way to a particular lookout spot that I wanted to show him. “I come here every time I visit.” I explained as I finally slowed down, stepping back to his side from where I’d been racing ahead of him so he could take in the view.

Sorrento sits perched atop cliffs overlooking the Bay of Naples, so facing out we had a sweeping view of the water, seemingly going on forever, but upon turning around we were faced with clusters of brightly painted houses built into the steep slope that stretched up away from us. It looked like a precarious way to live, as if you could go tumbling down the incline if you tripped upon leaving your front door, but the houses jostled with one another for room. Everyone wanted to look out over those great, glittering miles of sea.

It was only once we’d been standing there for a few minutes in enamoured silence that I realised I’d never let go of Will’s hand. It seemed we had the same thought simultaneously, as my eyes met his right after glancing down at our entwined fingers, and we both let go with a start. I could feel my cheeks going red and Will quickly averted his gaze, staring out over the bay again.

There was _something_ between Will and me, wasn’t there? I just had to talk to him. The thought made my stomach churn. Maybe I’d save that for later.

Sorrento town centre was a bustling place. Narrow cobbled streets lined with orange and lemon trees were home to many stalls selling all sorts of goods, from fruit to gelato to jewellery to brightly coloured fabrics. Tourists and locals alike flitted around the stands, bringing the scene to life with the buzz of their chatter, Italian and English blending seamlessly. A black cat perched on the bowed trunk of a nearby tree, eyes focused on a stand selling seafood further down the street.

Will and I meandered aimlessly through the alleys, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. It felt completely natural again and I found myself completely at peace, no longer even nervous. We were idle and carefree.

I paused in front of a stand run by a middle aged Italian lady with wavy black hair streaked with grey, falling down to her waist. She wore lilac lipstick and was adorned with all sorts of different bangles and hoops and necklaces.

“Ciao bello.” She smiled at me.

“Ciao.” I smiled back before glancing down again at her stall. A range of jewellery was laid out on the stand atop a delicate blue cloth. A couple of gold signet rings had caught my eye.

“Do you know whose seals these were?” I asked Will over my shoulder.

He approached and eyed the engravings before shaking his head. “No, but they would have belonged to different noble families, if they’re authentic. I’m sure I can find out which. Why?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at me curiously.

“Just wondered.” I shrugged. “I quite like this one.” I gestured to a gold ring with a bear engraved into the widest bit of the band.

The stall keeper lifted it up for me carefully and started telling me a little about it. I didn’t quite catch every word, my Italian was proficient for all social settings but not necessarily for talking about history, but I did hear what the bear symbolised. Strength, courage, tenacity and gentle friendship.

“How much?” I asked her in Italian, and then winced at her reply.

“I guess it must be genuine.” Will chuckled. “I’ll get it for you, if you want it.”

The irony of Will buying me a ring was not lost on me. I was quick to protest, but he seemed to have made up his mind.

He stepped forward and ever so smoothly haggled the price down a little further, something I was never brave enough to do but that seemed to be expected around here. I watched him, somewhat impressed.

“Just for you boys.” She laughed when they settled on a price.

“Not that I wouldn’t have paid in full if she said no.” Will winked at me as he handed me the ring, wrapped up in tissue paper the same shade of pale blue as the cloth over the stand.

I unwrapped it right away and slipped it onto my right little finger. I wore a few other more simple rings already, as well as a silver bracelet on my right wrist that everyone always told me didn’t match my gold rings. Did I care? No.

“Thank you.” I smiled up at Will, hoping he could tell I really meant it. “You didn’t have to.”

We bought ourselves some lunch and wandered down towards the coast again. Being set on the cliffs the way it is, Sorrento isn’t renowned for its beaches, but there were a couple of sandy ones I could remember and so I lead the way as best I could and we found one within about fifteen minutes of walking from the town centre.

“Fancy a swim?” I asked as we sat side by side on the shore, finishing up our lunch. We were practically the only tourists on the beach, accompanied only by a few sea-worn fishing boats pulled up above the tide line. The sand here was dark yellow and a bit gritty. Most people would go for fine white sand if they had the choice. You could find enough of that in other places along the Italian coast.

Will looked at me doubtfully. “What, and just leave our stuff out in the open?”

I shrugged. “There aren’t that many people down here. We can keep an eye on it from in the water, anyway.”

He still didn’t look entirely convinced, but I stood up anyway and pulled my shirt off over my head, throwing it at him and bursting out laughing as it landed in the lunch he still hadn’t quite finished. He looked up at me in disdain.

“Sorry.” I said, still laughing, and very un-elegantly shimmied out of my shoes, trousers and socks before heading in the direction of the sea. It was so still and blue, lapping very gently up on the sand. There was no way I could resist going in.

“Are you wearing sun cream?”

“ _Fuck off, William!”_

I could hear him laughing behind me.

The water was warm around my ankles as I waded into the shallows, testing it out. Confident I wasn’t about to get a cold shock, I ran the rest of the way, tumbling over as the water got too deep for me to run properly. I surfaced again, laughing and kicking out to lie on my back.

It was only a few minutes until I heard a splash and felt a grin spread over my face as I gazed up at the sky, perfectly clear above me. I sensed Will as he swam up beside me before I saw him, and rolled over in the water towards him, righting myself and kicking lazily to stay afloat.

“Didn’t take you long.” I teased, splashing some water in his direction.

“Shut up.” He retaliated, sending an even bigger splash over my head and that was it, we were at war.

To anyone on the shore we must have looked like a couple of kids, sending water flying everywhere as we thrashed about, tackling each other in the shallows.

I was breathless with laughter, grabbing onto Will’s shoulders as he lifted me up and whirled me around. It felt as if we were friends who had known each other all our lives. There were no false pretences, no trying to impress each other, no hiding anything, just two complete fools totally happy in each other’s presence.

I ran my hands through Will’s hair as he stopped spinning, just holding me for a moment. Our eyes locked and I smiled fondly down at him, watching his own smile grow in response. Before long, he was grinning at me devilishly and my own expression changed to suspicious.

“ _Will…”_ I said in a warning tone. “If you dare -”

He threw me backwards into the water before I could finish. I went under for a few moments and then surfaced spluttering and laughing, launching myself onto his back and sending both of us tumbling down again.

We lay on the shore like two washed up sailors, basking in the sun and catching our breath. I couldn’t have cared less about all the sand sticking to my wet back or getting into my hair in that moment. Our clothes and my rucksack lay in a pile further away from the tideline.

I turned onto my side and propped myself up on one elbow, my eyes on Will as he lay stretched out beside me. I’d seen him like this before, after swimming in the pool or in the lake, but somehow that day it was different. Maybe just because I was still riding the high of our careless messing around in the water. You wouldn’t necessarily think it looking at him with a shirt on, but he was almost all lean muscle. I wouldn’t forget in a hurry how easily he’d lifted me out of the water, even if he’d jokingly told me how much I weighed, earning himself a playful whack.

How badly I wanted him in that moment. He was a man, and he made me feel like a boy. I supposed it was the most natural thing in the world to be like me: coveting what you are yet to become. Someone wiser, stronger, more experienced. It just made me wonder how he could desire me, after all he’d already seen and done. Surely the way of the world was to be always looking forward, not back. But then, maybe that was just it. Maybe he saw in me a time he craved but could never return to. To be young, directionless as I was, blissfully idle… the shortest and sweetest portion of our lives.

I knew I had to bring it up with him. I knew, lying there looking at him with his eyes shut against the sun, that Joe had been right. As usual, the bastard. I just couldn’t find the words to address the matter.

“You ask Sofia all the boring questions.” Was what I finally came out with, my heart starting to beat faster as I echoed back the words he’d said to me in a situation that almost mirrored this one: lying beside the lake with a book open on his chest. _Boring questions for boring people._

I watched as his eyes opened slowly and he turned his head to the side to look at me. His lips quirked into half a smile. “Mhm… what’s your point?”

“You… I - I spent so many days trying to figure out what I’d done wrong.” I took a deep breath. “What I’d done to make you ignore me and all the while you were with her and I thought maybe there was something but the way you spoke to her was never how me and you were and so _then_ I started to think that – “

“Woah, woah.” Will cut off my wayward rambling, pushing himself up to sit on the sand. He sighed, his expression suddenly growing more serious as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Tom…” He turned his gaze on me again. “God, I don’t normally behave like such a child but the way I’ve handled things with you has been abominable, I know. I came to see quickly how… close we’d become and I was afraid if we continued that way I wouldn’t be able to stop myself acting on it.”

“Would it really be so bad if you did?” I asked him softly, _longingly._

“The world doesn’t look kindly on people like you and me.” He answered and the expression on his face made my heart ache.

“I don’t really care what the world thinks.” I sat up as well, my hand finding its way to his face, stroking his cheek… “I’m the only person who has to live my life and I know what I want.”… brushing my finger over his lips.

I could almost see him cracking, as if the moment was playing out in slow motion before me. He groaned and broke away from my hand, pressing his face into my neck. I simply held him there, pushing my hand through his hair, playing with the wet strands around my fingers.

“I’m a guest in your home.” He began when he drew back, looking me in the eyes again. “I’m almost ten years older than you, your parents…”

I was hardly listening to what he was saying, my hand still in his hair, the other coming to cup his face again, _willing_ him with my eyes. He caved.

He kissed me right there, hidden from view of the street only by those weathered fishing boats, fervently, deeply, and it was perfect. I melted into him, eyelids fluttering shut and only too eager to kiss him back, to show him how much I really did want this, I had all this time, and that I wasn’t ever going to regret it no matter what he may think.

When we finally pulled apart, breathless, a small shiver passed through me. I knew as our eyes locked that we’d crossed a line we could never step back over. There would be no more avoidance, no more denial. After the first taste, we were done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I finally managed to update this!
> 
> I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has shown support so far and left comments to let me know you were waiting for more. If it hadn't been for those and knowing that people actually want more of this I may never have found the motivation to do it! 
> 
> I didn't edit this chapter because I thought I might tear my eyes out in the process, so I hope it's okay, I always like my things less every time I read over them!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always very much appreciated, I love you all!
> 
> And finally, I dedicate this chapter to the love of my life @gegg because she provided valuable inspiration for the beach scene! Mwah!


	4. To Fall and Rebuild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sky was still blue, the sun still rose in the east, I was still Tom Blake, but my whole world was falling and rebuilding around me, so every new person I kissed, touched, loved from then on would always be compared to William Schofield and the sea salt on his lips.
> 
> For a long while after Joe left, I lay there and watched the trees sway gently in the evening breeze outside those French windows. My brother had successfully dampened my mood by then and the same few thoughts went around and around like revolving doors in my mind. Maybe I should never have gone after Will in the first place, but then nobody can change how they feel. How could it really be better to spend the fleeting time he was here being miserable and jealous? Maybe I was only delaying the pain for a while, but I would rather have a few careless, incredible weeks followed by pain, than pain followed by regret.  
> It was that age old question. Is it better to speak or die? 
> 
> I had never been very good at keeping my mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Nothing else had changed. I had not changed. The world hadn't changed. Yet nothing would be the same.”
> 
> \- Call Me By Your Name, André Aciman
> 
> >>> I would like to add before anyone starts reading that the explicit rating of this story begins in this chapter! If you're not comfortable reading, then you're safe up to the after dinner scene when Tom gets into bed. I will continue to put warnings if I include more explicit content in later chapters!

“Are you sure you’ve thought this through?”

I lay spread-eagled on my bed, top and tail with Joe, whose cautious tone rang incongruously with the excited, gushing way I’d just recounted my time with Will in Sorrento.

I frowned and propped myself up on one elbow to see his face: eyebrows furrowed and staring at the ceiling, hands folded over his stomach. My mood sunk, just a little.

“Joseph Blake, you were the one who encouraged me in the first place.” I raised an eyebrow at him.

Joe sighed and ran a hand over his face. Never a good sign. “I know, I know. I was impulsive, too. I thought you just had some little crush but now you sound… serious.”

“I am serious.”

Those were words I very rarely spoke and they clearly rang alarm bells in Joe’s head, as he rolled onto his side and looked at me, suddenly stern.

“He’s leaving in a few weeks.”

“So are we.” I argued.

“You have two completely different lives in England. He’s older than you… a lot older. The chances of anything continuing between you are almost non-existent. I don’t want you to become too invested and then get hurt.”

I flopped down on my back and laughed incredulously. “It’s too late to walk away now.”

Maybe he thought I was just a silly teenager, swept away by youth and the feeling of someone serious and intelligent expressing an interest in me. I can’t blame him for viewing me that way. But even now, as I look back on that time, I stand by everything I said and felt. It was far too late. I had tasted something too thrilling, too addictive to possibly turn away from it.

The sky was still blue, the sun still rose in the east, I was still Tom Blake, but my whole world was falling and rebuilding around me, so every new person I kissed, touched, loved from then on would always be compared to William Schofield and the sea salt on his lips.

“Just… be careful.” Joe sighed and kicked me gently in the head.

“Okay, okay. Leave me alone already.” I spluttered, batting him away.

For a long while after he left, I lay there and watched the trees sway gently in the evening breeze outside those French windows. My brother had successfully dampened my mood by then and the same few thoughts went around and around like revolving doors in my mind. Maybe I should never have gone after Will in the first place, but then nobody can change how they feel. How could it really be better to spend the fleeting time he was here being miserable and jealous? Maybe I was only delaying the pain for a while, but I would rather have a few careless, incredible weeks followed by pain, than pain followed by regret.

It was that age old question. _Is it better to speak or die?_

I had never been very good at keeping my mouth shut.

Sitting next to Will at dinner that night, I felt nervous. I had taken this place at his side plenty of times before, but now I somehow felt that my family would be able to see straight into my heart and know why. Maybe Joe raised an eyebrow at me or maybe I added that detail in hindsight.

I couldn’t engage fully in our usual dinner conversation that night. My parents’, Joe’s and even Will’s words went straight over my head. My father questioned me on it and snapped me out of my reverie as I pushed food around my plate.

“You feelin’ okay, Tom? Awful quiet tonight.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” I shot him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

Will pressed his leg against mine under the table I looked up at him to find his eyes already on me. Somehow, he anchored me again. Not to the world, but to him. All these thoughts, all these doubts and fears about what was to come were all at once replaced by him. He was everything and I wanted him everywhere, all around me.

When I got into bed that night, I lay awake and waited for the house to go still. My ears craned to catch every sound, impatiently listening to the faint hum and patter of my parents and Joe moving around below me, heading to bed and finally falling silent. I forced myself to lie still a while longer, just to give everyone time to settle into sleep, before sliding out of bed and inching open the door to our shared bathroom. Although I would never usually be concerned about anyone hearing me go to the toilet in the night, I tiptoed across the tiled floor to the second door. Once there, I hesitated, my hand hovering over the doorknob for a few moments before I took the decisive breath and pushed through, closing the door behind me as softly as I could.

Will’s curtains were drawn but I could make out his shape moving in the darkness as he propped himself up on one elbow.

“Tom?”

I walked over to the French windows and opened his curtains. Moonlight came streaming in. It was a perfectly clear night and the moon was a whole sphere high in the night. It gave me exactly what I wanted; when I turned to face Will he was bathed in a soft wash of cool light. He was topless and his pale skin glowed beneath the beams. Everything was slightly fuzzy around the edges and the light too low to reveal all his little details, just blurring out anything on his skin that might be uneven in the daylight and rendering him almost ethereal.

Already starting to lose my nerve, I crossed to the bed and arranged myself over his lap in one quick movement, his duvet still pulled up to his waist and separating our skin.

“Tom…” His tone was different this time, not questioning but somewhat breathless, warning.

“I’m not here for a speech right now.” I whispered back.

He remained silent as I placed my hand on his chest, half expecting him to melt away and become part of the light itself. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, my heart racing in my chest. Part of me still worried he would push me away, but instead I felt his hands on my hips, under my shirt, his thumbs brushing in small circles, his lips moving against mine.

One way or another I ended up lying half beside, half beneath him, the bedcovers now kicked down to the foot of the bed and no longer coming between us. I can’t remember when my shirt came off but it was down there too. My arms were around his neck and one of his hands was beneath me in the small of my back. I remember an uncontrolled, broken sound as I rubbed on the thigh between my legs.

There was a burning question in Will’s eyes when he pulled back and looked at me. In this pale light I couldn’t see their blue, just a shimmering grey and a glint of moonlight.

“I want everything.” I spoke softly into his ear. “All of you.”

I felt rather than heard him take a sharper inhale.

“Have you thought this through?”

“Yes. I want to do it anyway.”

It was as if I could hear his thoughts, the little tick of cogs turning in his mind. I curled my fingers into his hair as if that could stop him pulling back from me.

“Don’t think. Just be… be with me.”

Maybe I had a similar effect on him to the one he had on me at dinner earlier that night, because he came back to me. The ticking stopped and I felt his mouth on mine with a new kind of fervour that thrilled me.

In another minute we were both entirely undressed and bared to each other. When he sat back on his heels now, it wasn’t to question what we were doing but to look at me. My cheeks turned red under his gaze and, despite the heat of the room, a trail of goosebumps followed his fingers as they moved down my body. I felt as if I was showing him more than just my skin and that thought chilled and excited me simultaneously. I think I wanted him to know me as badly as I wanted to know him. Inside and out.

Will leaned over me to retrieve a tub of lubricant from his bedside drawer and I spread my legs without even thinking about it. I didn’t miss the flash of lust in his gaze before he returned to the careful Will I was familiar with.

“You still sure about this?” He asked softly. The gentle touch of one hand rubbing the inside of my thigh made it difficult for me to do more than nod breathlessly.

“Tom.” That tone was back. This time what it meant was _I need to hear you say it._

“ _Yes.”_ My voice came out whinier than I intended as I watched him coat a couple of fingers in lube. “You’re not going to hurt me. I’ve done this myself before.”

“God, can you not say things like that?”

“Why not?”

“ _Because,_ I’m trying to stay respectful here and now you’re putting ideas in my head.” I detected an edge of amusement in his voice.

“I don’t want _respectful_ Will.” I almost laughed but it was true. I knew that side of him already. I knew the polite, slightly uptight British boy. I trusted him already, he didn’t have to prove anything to me. I wanted to see the rest of him, to unravel and see beneath all that. Maybe that’s what this was always about.

He groaned in protest and pressed his lips to my neck and his fingers found my entrance. My breath caught in my throat and I tilted my head back, one hand running through his hair and the other now curling around his arm.

His fingers circled me, the lube cool against my heated skin, and I felt myself flutter involuntarily, like I was trying to draw them into me. I swore I felt him smile against my neck, but he complied. One finger pushed slowly inside me, a little uncomfortable at first, as I remembered, but it ebbed away into pleasure and then… _god_ , it was far better with Will than it ever had been alone. He knew what he was doing and he took his time, working me open on one, two, three fingers. His angle was better and he found something inside me that made the pleasure almost unbearable. I choked back a needy moan of his name, unable to help rocking my hips to meet the movements of his fingers as my back arched a short way off the bed. I could have come just like that, fucking open on his fingers, but I wanted even more out of this.

“Okay…” I managed breathlessly, “I’m, _ah –_ ready.”

He pulled his fingers out of me and I couldn’t help letting out a small whine at the loss.

I pushed myself up on slightly shaky arms and watched as he rolled on a condom. I reached out to take the lube before he got to it. Slightly nervous again but eager nonetheless, I took a generous amount in my palm and then shifted towards Will, watching his face as I took him in my hand, moving my wrist to slowly spread it over his length.

I remember how his eyes fluttered shut and the soft sound that fell from his parted lips when I picked up the pace – the greatest reward I could have asked for.

Emboldened, I said “Lie down.” And relished the slight thrill that followed when he did as I told.

I took a few moments sorting myself out, positioning myself with one knee either side of his thighs as he lay on his back and hovering above him.

“You don’t have to –“ He interjected as he realised what I was planning. “It might be more sore this way.”

I made no verbal reply but took him in my hand again, rubbing my thumb over the head and guiding him towards my entrance. His hands came to my thighs again, stroking lightly.

“You want this too?” I checked as I felt him press against my entrance, anticipation and desire burning in the pit of my stomach.

“ _Yes,_ but –“

It was as if I could see the two sides of him grappling among themselves. The gentleman and the other… the side I wanted to coax out.

“If you ask me if I’m sure one more time, I actually will stop.” I teased, a flash of a grin on my lips. That shut him up.

I sank down onto him slowly, the breath getting stuck in my throat as my body first resisted the head and then gave with a degree of discomfort. I might have tried things alone but I’d never been with anyone properly or had this size inside me. I felt his fingers curl into my skin, one hand kneading my ass, and the look of pleasure on his face as he pulled his lip between his teeth fuelled me to continue.

I stayed still for a while after I had taken him in fully, our skin flush together, entirely as one. I stayed still not because it was uncomfortable, but because I loved that feeling of being so full of him. I felt somehow more _his_ and that he was more mine than ever before or since. It was me, then, who felt as if I could melt into the moonlight. I was made up of light. I was fluid and I could be whatever I wanted; I could even be him. 

I took one of Will’s hands in mine and brought it to my torso, trailing slowly down, still entwined, to rest on my lower belly. “I can feel you.” I whispered hoarsely, rocking my hips a fraction as if to prove it.

“ _Jesus Christ_.” He moaned.

Maybe that snapped me out of whatever space I had gone into because now I wanted to move. My thighs trembled slightly as I lifted up, now feeling nothing but pleasure as I started fucking myself onto him.

Will’s hand moved to my hip and held me, stilling me for a moment. “Slowly.” He looked into my eyes and I was no more than putty in his hands, following as he guided me to lift so only the head of his length was inside me and then slowly sink down and take him all again, never once breaking his gaze. “That’s it…” It was the purest form of torture. I was reduced to a mess, trying desperately not to cry out and wake the house as the pleasure of feeling him take me, fill me over and over again became too much.

“Good boy.” He praised me, his voice husky and low. My face burned at his words and I whimpered. This was all I ever wanted to be.

I could see him slipping out of control, too. His pupils were blown out with lust and his hair dishevelled, and his nails dug blissfully into my skin.

“ _Please.”_ I begged, unable to take it any longer when he started rolling his hips up to meet me.

That was all it took. Will flipped us over, lifting my legs around his waist and driving into me, harder, faster.

“ _Yes-“_ I must have cried out too loudly because all at once his fingers were in my mouth, his lips on my neck and _god,_ this was exactly what I had wanted all along, for all defences and pretences to fall away and reveal every side.

One of his hands moved down my body and wrapped around me, working me in time with his thrusts and I knew I couldn’t take it much longer. My back arched up from the bed and I tangled my hand into his hair, pulling his mouth back up to mine to replace his fingers and moaning helplessly into the kiss.

“Be a good boy and come for me.” He almost growled against my lips and that was all it took. My thighs trembling around his waist, I came over Will’s hand and my stomach in a dizzying release. I could swear I lost my vision for a moment.

“ _Fuck_ , Tom…”

The sound of my name, broken on Will’s lips as I felt him release still inside me, brought a whole other wave of pleasure and I lay there basking in its glow, dazed for a minute or so. I barely noticed Will pull out but realised I felt surprisingly empty as I registered him collapse beside me.

I felt a thrilling mix of fear and contentment all at once. So maybe this would make our parting just that much harder, but I wanted to do it again and again. I’d never been heartbroken and so perhaps I just didn’t have the wisdom to fear it. But I was finally feeling something new, something wild, out of the usual easy peace of my life.

Then, maybe this is just my adult view on things recolouring the past. Maybe I never compared his moonlit chest to opal or saw our sex as a connection beyond the physical. I was young and maybe I didn’t think or feel at all, I just w _anted._

One thing I can say for certain is I fell asleep with his strong arms around me, his face tucked into the back of my neck, and I felt like there was somebody in the world who really _saw_ me, and it was just like coming home. I know this because I felt this way every night, every time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you to anyone who's here. I haven't been involved in this fandom at all recently so I'm hoping there's still people who want to read about these boys!   
> It has been an insanely long time since an update and I'm sorry for that, things are crazy for everyone right now. I do still want to finish this, although it may take forever. I thought I'd post a chapter and gauge reactions from that. Do people still want me to continue?? Please give me your thoughts, I always love to see your comments!
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> For any of you who have read cmbyn, I sort of tried to recreate the rambling-collection-of-vignettes style that Elio writes in... it's very different to my usual style and turned out a lot longer than planned so thank you for sticking with me! I know there was hardly any actual dialogue or anything.  
> The chapters from here on will probably be more focused on specific scenes/memories because this was exhausting to write haha. I hope you enjoyed it, any feedback is always appreciated!


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